There is no argument, no excuse, nothing that you can say that will make me change my mind on this one – the most important relationship outside of the one with God, is the one with your wife. Yes, your relationship to God must be at the top of the list and at the top of your game, but the relationship with your wife must be in a strong second place. When we left Dad and Mom and received the gift of our wives, we made a promise that we would do all of life with her. Yet here you are today, possibly planning on planting a church and you do not consult with, pray with, or include her in your plans to do this kingdom work.

Church planter’s wives get lonely as much as the planter does. The reason may be that the planter does not include her on his strategy/planning team. Huge Mistake! Your wife is as much a part of the call to plant the church as you are.  You need to get off the high horse if you don’t believe that your wife is necessary to the launching of a new church. I will share with you that if you do not include your wife, you probably should not be planting a church.

Julie and I have been doing ministry together for over twenty years. When Julie and I were approached regarding planting a church in during for NAMB’s Strategic Cities Focus initiative in Cleveland, it was a decision that Julie and I would make together. It was a decision that we talked about, prayed about, and fasted about. If Julie would have ever come to me and said, “I don’t believe this is what God wants us to do”, I would have listened to her, because she is a woman of God and because of our relationship. I trust my wife and she trusts me.

Your wife will most likely be your administrative assistant, work with children, help in set-up and tear-down, do your daily or weekly communiqués, as well as several other tasks in the new church. She didn’t ask for these tasks, but she takes them on because she is sold on the vision and mission as much as you are. What a joy it is sit and have a cup of coffee with your wife as you candidly share your dreams with one another about this new church. You lay down at night and the conversation still lingers about this undertaking for the kingdom of God. Cherish it! It is at moments like this that the godly relationship between a husband and wife who are serving together in planting churches grows. Your hearts are bound together in love for God and for people you have never met who will be part of your launch team and those who will one day attend your church.

The day finally comes and the church is launched! All of the hard work, prayers, and relationship building in the community comes to fruition as a new, local body of Christ is born into the world. Those days will not always last and this is when you as her husband, not the church planter, cannot neglect the continuation of relationship building with her. As new people come to your church, you will no doubt be having many breakfast, lunch meetings, and gathering groups to share the vision with anyone who will listen. Your focus will shift from your and your wife to planting the church to “us” planting the church. The “us” will the new people that you seem to be spending more and more time with. Your wife will slowly start to resent the church plant if you are not intentionally guarding your time for her and continually including her into the strategy of the church.

Your wife in all likelihood did not marry a church planter or even a pastor. She married you and not a dream of being a church planter’s wife. Build this most important relationship before you build relationships with others, including those far from God. You cannot reach anyone’s heart until you reach your wife’s.

Julie and I moved our family from our extended family in Tennessee to Cleveland to restart a church. I had been assessed as a church planter in 1998 and in 2002 I was finally going to get be in a place that was not already saturated with the gospel. Out of that church we help plant Life Brand Cowboy Church in Newbury, OH and in 2007 we planted Bridge Church at Perry from scratch. In 2011, I was tasked with closing a different church plant that died after only three years. I can tell you from experience, church planting will take a toll on your marriage and family if you are not careful.  Focus on God. Focus on Family. Focus on People.